Some mornings, I wake up and scroll through Facebook and Instagram and see all my friend’s beautiful healthy children.  I go to Target, Wal-Mart, the mall etc., and everywhere I look, I see happy, smiling pregnant women.   When I walk by the baby stuff, I want to buy a cute pink outfit or baby blanket and plan our nursery.

I think to myself “Why can’t that be me? Why can’t they just say our little girl is going to be OK – that the screening was wrong, and she does not have Trisomy 13 after all?  Why is it that I must have this sad cloud over my head the only time I ever get pregnant?  Why me?”

I don’t have answers to these questions.  So, I try to focus on what I do know, and that is that God LOVES me. He LOVES this baby that He is knitting together in my womb and He not only has plans for good for me, but plans for good for the precious bundle of joy that I am carrying. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I wish that He would just come down from Heaven and tell me face to face what these plans are, but that is not how He works.  I must have faith.  I must trust His heart for our baby.  So far, my God has NEVER let me down, He has NEVER abandoned me and He will not now – or ever.  He is in the past, present and future.

I have really a bad genetic screen  (Panorama), and the doctors say that I only have a 1% chance for this baby to be healthy – although I have two perfect ultrasounds – one at 12 weeks and one at 16 weeks.  I also have a negative AFP (Alpha Fetal Protein) test, which is great news.  However, they still consider the Panorama blood test authoritative.  They say that the ultrasounds, while reassuring, do not necessarily mean we are in the clear, and they are still moving forward with their belief that our baby will ultimately not survive.

Though I am hopeful, I am not naïve.  I know the reality that I am facing, but I choose to rejoice in every day, every hour, every minute and every second that God allows me to have this precious little girl – my daughter, with me.  I ask God to make me moldable, and show me what He has in store for me, and my family.  I don’t want to miss any of the messages that He is sending through our situation.  I ultimately pray for His will to be done, and that He would prepare my heart to accept His plan, even it His plan is different from mine.

I am so blessed that God chose me to carry this little girl… that I get to hear her heartbeat, to feel her move, and to see her on the ultrasounds.  And now, because of this diagnosis, I get to see her every 4 weeks! I also have 2 PERFECT ultrasounds and I am FULL of hope that God will intervene, and that she will be born healthy.

As I wrote in my first post, we want to celebrate the life of our baby, and we are doing just that.  Hundreds of people are praying for us, and no matter what the outcome, I know that in only 18 weeks, this sweet little girl has not only touched my life, but the lives of many.   She already is showing us her cute personality and her likes and dislikes.

She LOVES Haagen-Dazs Pecans and Pralines ice cream.   She craves Italian food.   She loves bacon, despite the fact that I have NEVER liked bacon – she MUST get this from her dad.  She does NOT like chocolate and she does a great job of letting her Mamma know this!  She loves how her daddy holds her by putting his arm around my stomach every night and prays out loud for her.

Over the past few weeks, we’ve had lots of fun taking little trips to do fun things, making early memories of our time with her.

As you see in Andy’s last post, she gave us the thumbs-up sign during the ultrasound.  She kicks her feet and appears to be clapping her hands on the ultrasound.  When they listen to her heart, she kicks the monitor as if to say: “I am here and I am happy”.   She is so amazing and I am so happy that God has blessed us with her.

We are so grateful for your continued prayers as we walk this road.

Jennifer